Tuesday, December 13, 2005

ALL WE HEAR

The reader ends up knowing nothing about or why they are there at the beginning . . . I'm lost . . . but where the heck have we been while getting there and what sort of syntactic clues or mis-clues have we been given? I'm at a loss . . . laying it on too thick . . . "danger: poet at work." Overdone metaphors . . . lacking a clear subject this sentence is confusing and what is "among" hooked up to as a preposition? Line breaks are confusing here. I find these descriptive passages really hard to follow and as well as being awkward. I think the last two stanzas are ok. This poem seems like a very rough draft of one that could be quite interesting. It begins unemphatically (you rely on weak linkages too often) Have you earned the risk of sentimentality yet? I don't think you have... maybe later in th epoem. The second section leaves me muddled, trying to figure out what all of this looks like. Again this is one long muddle Again, re-think some of your syntax instead of just linking, linking with commas. And your verbal phrases get a little out of hand sometimes. We make a big jump there . . . I don't have anything against these details at all, but they seem as yet not quite woven together. So, there you have it.
Happy holidaying!

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